Posts Tagged ‘fetishes’

Dear Terri,

My girlfriend recently confided that she has always fantasized about being forced to have sex. She says she would like to play out a scene like this with me, in the bedroom.

I am really disturbed by this, as I have never, ever used force on a woman, and I don’t want to start with the girl I love!

I want to fulfill her fantasies, but I’m just not comfortable doing this, even if it’s only play. I can tell she’s disappointed.

Please help.

Robert

~~~

Dear Robert,

I want to first say how pleased I am to hear that you and your girlfriend have such an open, honest relationship, and are able to communicate your secret desires to each other. Exploring your sexual fantasies can be an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom, and to help couples understand each other on a deeper level.

Non-consensual fantasies are fairly common amongst women, but that doesn’t mean they want to be attacked, hurt or forced to do things they don’t enjoy. A fantasy is a very controlled scenario, where she can dictate what happens to her, and pleasure herself throughout. Many fantasies and fetishes toy with our strong emotions (like fear), in order to heighten the intensity of the sexual experience. Your girlfriend trusts you not to actually hurt her, to play the fantasy out according to her desires, and to stop if it gets too intense – all of these factors make it a very safe, consensual game, and not an assault or a violation of any kind. Her trust and love for you are key in her desire to role-play this fantasy with you.

I understand your aversion to even pretending to take her by force – men are taught from a very young age that it is wrong to hurt women, and it can be very difficult to go against that early training. Also, because you love her, you obviously do not wish to see her in distress.

I encourage you to talk to your girlfriend about what turns her on about this fantasy, to help you understand her desires. Common themes in forced sex fantasies include the loss of control and being unable to anticipate what will happen next. You may want to experiment with blindfolding her, or even with some light bondage – i.e. tying her with scarves to the bedposts – so that she can enjoy the feeling of being helpless. She may be excited by your physical strength and the thought of struggling against you – in which case, a compromise might be a playful wrestling match or a tickle fight.

Talk to her about your feelings, as well. It’s important for her to understand what is troubling you about this particular scenario. Together, you may reach a satisfying and titillating compromise!

One final note – should you decide to play out a forced-sex fantasy, please agree on a “safe word” before you engage in the role play. Agree that if either of you find yourselves becoming too uncomfortable with the scenario, to the point where it is no longer a turn-on, you will use the safe word, and stop and talk about your feelings.

Best of luck, sweetheart.

Terri

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